Category Archives: comedy

Drunken Monkey Style

We can learn a lot from the drunken monkey.

monkey wine

After doing some research into how to treat high blood pressure I came across a paper studying the effects of Calcium channel blockers on alcohol-drinking monkeys. Initially I imagined a gruesome laboratory in which poor monkeys were pilled up and force-fed Lambrini’s, WKD’s or Jäger bombs.  However I soon discovered that the experiments were slightly more nuanced and based on the monkey’s preference for alcohol after taking the anti-hypertensives rather than any university style frat house forced drinking games. It turns out that the pills turn off some of this booze-monkeys from drink (probably a good thing as the side effects of these drugs are amplified with alcohol)

The concept of a drunk monkey is not a new one and these monkeys have been studied extensively and their habits compare with human drinking patterns.

see this hilarious BBC video:

In Chinese martial arts, there is a unique style which incorporates the relaxed and swaying movements of a drunken monkey. It involves rolling around a lot, eye poking and throat attacks and low kicks. The inspiration for Drunken Monkey style is Sun Wu Kong (孙悟空)  the Monkey King, the main character in the Chinese epic Journey to the West (西遊記). Non Sinophiles may recognise him from the excellent 2008 BBC Beijing Olympics animation

Monkey King BBC olympics

So lesson learned: Don’t give monkeys alcohol and don’t treat their blood pressure, or they will kick your ass.

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Filed under Animal, comedy, Health, Martial Arts, Medicine

Lil Kim is Sexy and he knows it

The People’s Daily, once referred to as the codpiece (sorry mouthpiece) of the Chinese Communist Party has reported an article in the satirical website the Onion as fact.

The Onion declared Kim Jong Un, or Lil Kim as he is affectionately known as ‘the Sexiest Man Alive in 2012’

The Onion reported:

With his devastatingly handsome, round face, his boyish charm, and his strong, sturdy frame, this Pyongyang-bred heartthrob is every woman’s dream come true. Blessed with an air of power that masks an unmistakable cute, cuddly side, Kim made this newspaper’s editorial board swoon with his impeccable fashion sense, chic short hairstyle, and, of course, that famous smile,” it said.

“He has that rare ability to somehow be completely adorable and completely macho at the same time,” said Marissa Blake-Zweiber, editor of The Onion Style and Entertainment.

The fact that the People’s Daily are even bothering to report this sort of tripe, would make Mao turn over in his Maoseleum. In the 1950s TV and radio were known as the ‘throat and tongue’ (houshe 喉舌) of the Chinese Communist Party and they played a key role in disseminating Party policy and propaganda to the far reaching corners of China. In 2012, it seems they are scouring the internet for titbits desperate to gain a market share.

 

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Filed under censorship, comedy, Communist Party, Kim Jong Il, Politics, Propaganda

In the land of the blind, the man with one Weetabix is king.

In a brief round up of news from the central kingdom:

– blind Chinese activist Chen Guangcheng might be allowed to go on a ‘gap year’ to the states

Chen had campaigned against forced abortions in his home province of Shandong and had met the brunt of provincial official brutality. Until he knocked on the US door of the US embassy….

– Weetabix are now 60% owned by Chinese company Bright Food.

The Sun have reported that the boss of Bright Food can only manage two Weetabix for breakfast…

either breakfasts in China will start getting better, or breakfast in England will be full of cadmium dihydrophosphodiesterase E4934.

I happen to like Weetabix but a head chef at the Savoy describes them as “cakes that you give to dogs”

Bright Food are also after United Biscuits, which makes Jaffa Cakes and Hula Hoops, and French yoghurt group Yoplait.

What next? Curly Wurlys and petit filous watch out..

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Filed under Advertising, Blogs, Breakfast, comedy

Stop Tony 2012

Tony 2012

Tony is one of the world’s worst war criminals and I support the international effort to arrest him.

On 2 May 1997, millions of disillusioned middle class parents were taken in by his charming smile and persuaded to join him on his series of religious wars/crusades.

Who is Tony?

Tony is one of the world’s worst war criminals. In 1994 he took over leadership of an existing marginalised rebel group (Labour) and renamed it the New Labour (NL).

The NL has earned a reputation for its cruel and brutal tactics. When Tony found himself running out of members of his own cabinet, he started abducting non elected officials to be ‘advisers’ in his army or “gurus” for his officers.

Guru

The NL were encouraged to take over media, spend money on flat screen TVs, and deceive civilians–often with fake dossiers.

The NL is no longer active in northern Westminster but it continues its campaign of deception in Western Wales, the Central Republic of Stockton on Tees, and the People’s Republic of South Sunderland. In its 18-year history, the NL has abandoned more than 50,000 children and displaced at least 2.1 million people.

What is the goal of TONY 2012?

Invisible Classwar has been working for 9 years to end the UK’s longest-running unarmed conflict. U.S. military advisers are currently deployed in Central London on a “time-limited” mission to stop Tony and disarm the NL. If Tony isn’t captured this year, the window will be gone.

Sign the pledge to help us bring Tony to justice in 2012.

please watch the video. Get the bracelets, retweet this post. Get it on facebook, Bebo, Myspace, CBeebies, the lot.

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Filed under Africa, army, Blogs, censorship, comedy, Politics, Propaganda, TV, Uncategorized

Chinese soldiers pass live grenade in training exercise

The People’s Liberation Army play ‘pass the parcel’ with a live grenade.

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Filed under comedy, Propaganda

Kim drops the bass

Kim drops the bass

Kim busts out some beats with David Guetta

Our Great Leader Vs Skrillex

Kim and Daft Punk

 

Click for more great Kim beats

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by | December 21, 2011 · 10:37 am

Obama loves Hu

Although the White House has announced its disapproval at Benettons’ new ad campaign there has been no denial of the romance that has been slowly blossoming. White House spokesman Eric Schulz wrote: ‘The White House has a longstanding policy disapproving of the use of the president’s name and likeness for commercial purposes.”

No denial then.

Tensions between the two world leaders have been rising in recent weeks after Obama announced that he was sending 2,500 US troops to be based in Australia. This is presumably to remind China that America exists and hasnt forgotten that there is lots of oil in the south China sea and to give the troops a snorkeling holiday.

China has recently signed an agreement with other South Asian countries setting out some guidelines as to what the laws of the sea should be. There have been a number of disputes in the South China Seas in recent years over oil and land rights. The US are remaining ‘neutral’ but are backing up the Phillipines in an argument over the Spratly islands. 

The argument seems to stem from a debate over who has the oldest map. China claims it found some really old ones.

For more research into the South China Seas disputes, please watch this educational clip:

 

 

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Filed under comedy, Dispute, Military, News, Politics, Spratly